Bea(it)ch

Saw a moon at bay
Crafted a doll made of clay
Dazed throughout the day 
Couldn't really get you away

Went to the beach to kiss some boys 
The background was blur, with some noise
Suddenly, I remembered his poise
It's okay, I still have my toys 

The sky lost its golden hue
As I stood at the beach, wearing blue 
Reminded of the last time we argue 
In the end, all I lose is you

Love type // you

When I was young (still young now though) I used to think that when I love someone, my heart would beat faster than ever. I would feel the adrenaline rush, and it'll make me excited. It's like enjoying an adventure - exploring unknown places, getting lost, meeting strangers and learning something new. 

And fair enough, I hold on to that belief for quite some time. During my past relationships, they will make my heart beat faster each time I talk to them. They will make me feel excited whenever we discussed things. At that time, I feel like I've truly found my soulmate, the one I'd share my life with. 

However, things are not what they seem to be. I failed each one of them miserably. Which of course made me question my belief in love. The belief I hold dearly all this while, is it really the truth? I don't know. And as curious as a kitten, I decided to find the truth. 

My best reference? Of course it'd be my ibu. And she told me things that I didn't know before. She said, loving someone makes your heart beat faster, but it doesn't make you feel like riding a roller coaster. It's beating fast because you see that person and it makes you wanna be with them forever. It's not an adventure, it's a journey. A calm one, if I may add. Loving someone means knowing you can share everything yours, from your things to your body to your feelings to that person, knowing they'll reciprocate. 

You see, when you meet your soulmate, he won't make your adrenaline rush. Instead, he will make you feel like you're in a beautiful poetry, highlighting each and every part of your beauty. He won't make you feel insecure by comparing you with other people, instead he will accept your flaws and make them his, eliminating all your insecurities. He will boost your self esteem, without having to worry about you leaving him since he trusts you. 

You see, I may have met many people, and getting involved with many bad relationships before. But it's safe to say that you're the first to make me feel calm and comfortable with myself. And for that, I thank you.

Deity

Saw a shrine at the backyard 
Thought of reasons people fought 
Curse the rioters holding a card
Peace and love remain unsought

The deity mourned and cried
As her lover went to fight 
His strength made them petrified
Holding their promises tight 

The shrine was old and ruined 
As the deity left her throne
Her heart torn and burned
Baby, the damage is done

Hari Istimewa

Langit masih kelam, dan aku kian penat. Dengan dunia, juga manusia. Telefon bimbit jadi peneman perjalanan pulang, dan seperti hari-hari lainnya jari gigih membalas segala mesej yang diterima. Setelah selesai segalanya, Twitter dibuka buat penghilang bosan. Lima saat menunggu, dan aku disajikan gambar nasi lemak kukus diserikan dengan ayam goreng berempah yang enak lagi menyelerakan. 

Seolah memahami hasrat di hati, perut menjerit lantang, minta diisi. Sabar ya perut, akan ku jamu dengan kegemaran mu malam ini. 

Setibanya di rumah, laju aku menukar baju dan bersiap. Ya, hari ini hari istimewa. Perlahan lahan aku berjalan ke kedai, sambil menyanyi lagu riang. Ya, hari ini hari istimewa. 

Tibanya aku di kedai, terus aku bertanya pada si empunya kedai, "bang, nak nasi lemak satu! Ayam besar k! " ya, hari ini hari istimewa. Hari di mana perut bakal dijamu dengan kegemarannya, nasi lemak kukus dan ayam goreng berempah. 

Abang empunya kedai segera menoleh dengan mata yang sayu memandang aku, dan tika itu aku sedar dunia tak selalunya indah. Dan kita, cuma manusia yang tidak bisa peroleh segalanya. 

"sorry lah dik, nasi lemak baru je habis"  

Cukup dengan sepotong ayat, dapat aku rasakan hancur berkecai hati yang rindu pada keenakannya. Ya, hari istimewa sudah tidak ada lagi. Perut tidak akan dijamu dengan kegemarannya. 

Berlalu pergi aku, dengan seribu satu tanda tanya dan penyesalan. Dan buat tiga saat, aku membenci si dia yang buat aku rindu pada kegemaran perutku, nasi lemak kukus dan ayam goreng berempah. Ya, dia yang retweet gambar itu sehingga dia terhidang di timeline ku.  

Tenang, sayang

Tenang, sayang
Ini perkara biasa
Buat manusia bercinta

Tenang, sayang
Kita tak buat apa apa
Cuma sedikit ramas mesra

Tenang, sayang
Aku akan bawa kau ke syurga
Tak perlu fikir apa apa

Tenang, sayang
Anak itu tak bernyawa
Buang saja dia

Tenang, sayang
Aku pergi sementara
Sekadar mencari harta
Buat nikah kita berdua

Tenang, sayang
Kau ungkap selamba
Akhirnya, hilang tanpa berita

Toxic // Souls

Writer's note : inspired by the Vamps // Sweater Weather (originally by the Neighborhood)

(I) 

December rain
Trapped
Ice cold marble floors

(2)

Saw your silhouette
Approaching slowly; steadily
Inhaling your sweet essence
"It's cold out there"
As I fell for your mysterious stares

(3)

Your hands on my hips
Your lips on my neck
Drunk, intoxicated
I can't escape 

(4)

Exploring me gently
Through the holes of your sweater
The danse macabre we performed
For the demons we adore 

(5)

"Baby, I love you"
The rain stopped
And you're gone

Happiness

What is happiness, and how can you attain it? These are the questions that have been lingering in my mind for years. Some define happiness as an emotional state of well-being while others simply defines happiness as feelings –feelings of joy, pleasure and contentment. Some say that happiness is when an individual make another individual feel happy, perhaps by helping that individual or by simply doing acts, often small acts such as giving flowers and wishing your neighbour good morning every day. Others stated that happiness is seeing another person happy, for instances watching small children playing with much joy or simply a friend who is smiling or laughing. People can be happy for various reasons, and these reasons vary from an individual to another individual. And one of the reasons that I would like to highlight in this essay here is closeness to the Creator of humans and the universe. 
As a Muslim, for me happiness is when you know that you prayed five times a day and you know deep in your heart that you did it because of your love to the Almighty, not because of your parents’ orders or because your friends told you to do so. For me, happiness is trying and learning to get closer to the one and only, knowing that with each knowledge that you obtain, your love for Him will grow and acknowledging that you are just a mere creation of Him, the Almighty. Happiness is realising that He, the Forgiving will forgive all your sins as long as you remain sincere and faithful to Him. The next part of the essay is the story of a man in his life journey to find happiness.
This man was born in a loving and wealthy family, where he was given everything he wanted. He was blessed with good health and a good looking face as well as an excellent attitude. He was raised with love and care, guided by kind and well-educated parents. Though many said that he lived a perfect life, he was unhappy. Deep in his heart, he felt hollow and empty. Thus, he went and searched for various ‘remedies’ to heal his heart – music, relationships, paintings, books, movies, sports – unfortunately, to no avail. He felt lost and he felt as if he was drowning, however when he looked around everybody seemed to be breathing fine. He continued living this way till the middle of high school, where his friends invited him to the world of hedonism, a world where pursuit of pleasure and self-indulgence are given the highest priority in life. He, being naïve was soon easily drowned by the pleasure offered by this world. Nonetheless, after a while, he began to feel shallower and hollower than before. As if all the girls he dated and all the friends he hanged out with were just temporary remedies for his pain. And this scenario continued till he graduated from high school, and furthered his study in a college. There, he met people from different backgrounds and different cultures. He befriended them, and soon a friend came to him and said “Hey you don’t look well. And I know your pain. Here’s the remedy you’ve been searching for.” while giving him a gift wrapped with mathematics answer sheet. He was happy with the unexpected gift, and opened him. Much to his surprise, he was given the Holy Quran and its translation, for him to read and appreciate. 
He started reading the Quran and found the remedy for his sick heart. He started learning to know his Creator and His Messengers, and as time passed by, his heart started to heal. He no longer feel empty or hollow deep in his heart, knowing that the Lord will guide his ways. He cried for his dark past, hoping that Lord will forgive him and guides his new path. He became friends and acquaintances with those who love God more than he is, and learn from them. And in his new journey, he found peace in his heart, the peace that he has been searching for since the beginning of his life. 
It was never easy for him in the beginning, as he had to abandon his old way of living. However, Lord is kind to those who seek to Him, and He had given him a rather easy path to walk, with trustworthy companions to guide his journey. He has not yet arrived at his destination, the paradise, but he is now in the right track. When asked by his former friends of his changes, he replied with a smile, a genuine one and said “I have been lost for years, living my life only for the sake of living, not knowing what to do. But He found me and guided me, and now I am living my life to the fullest, under His guidance.”
In short, obeying God sometimes seems like the hardest road to take, but in the long run, it is the only lifestyle that brings real peace and genuine joy. Indeed, only by obeying your God will you find true happiness.

Life: Talented

All my life, I've always heard people saying that I'm talented. That I'm good in doing many things, sometimes many at once. They say I'm good in my studies, I can edit videos and make short films, I can write short stories, notes and poems, I can edit pictures and stuff. 

But darling, actually I don't.

Behind each and every grades I get, there's tears and emotional turbulence. Behind each As, there's the "WTF is this. I don't know this I gotta work hard to understand this". Behind every "you did well" there's the fear of letting everyone down and not being enough. 

Behind each writings, there's pain. The painful experience of getting your heart broken, shattered into pieces but you gotta keep it inside cause nobody cares. The sadness of seeing your loved ones leave, one by one but you can do nothing about it. And love, behind each writings, there's people mocking you, saying you won't earn any money from this. And the pain of learning all sorts of techniques in writing, because you see love, I wanna be the best that I could be in this field.

Behind each short films and pictures edited there's the fatigue. The sleepless nights of finishing them, perfecting them to create those that you see and admire. The sacrifices, balancing between your studies and your passion to learn new cool tricks and techniques. The eyesight that was lost while staring at the computer for hours long just to create a 5 minutes video or a cover page.

I sacrificed a lot of things to get where I am now. My pointers, my grades, my sleep time, my eyesight, my money, my time, my body, and many more. Of course I'd be happy if you compliment my work and stuff. I mean, who wouldn't? 

But you see darling, I'm still a noob, a learner. And I won't be satisfied with just who I am now, because I know I'm the lamest writer, the noob-est among every designers and editors, the idiot one in my circle of friends. So darling, don't you ever say I didn't have to put any efforts to get to where I am now, because I know too well I'm not the person you think I am. 

Life : Goals

Being alive doesn't mean staying at one place forever, or so I believe.

I have my own set of goals and dreams I want to achieve, and I'm doing my best for them. I won't waste my time on things that will somehow prevent me from chasing my dreams, including you, love.

I want to travel, to see the world and experience things I never experience before. I'm not your kind of girl that'll stay put, cook for you, clean your house and do everything solely for you. Nope, sorry you got the wrong person.

I want adventure, and living life to the fullest. So that one day, when I look back to my past, I can be proud to say I've done good.

And you see love, I know too well that I won't be able to achieve all of my dreams alone, and that's why I need you. Together, let's support each other.

However love, if you're dragging me down, I'm sorry love, but I have to leave.

Cold Tea

I love my tea cold
Sweet, desperately soothing
Love, as cold as you

I love my tea cold
The emptiness it makes me feel
As empty as you

I love my tea cold
Calming, like the December rain
Emotionless you

Hope the tea gets warmer
Healing the brokenhearted one
Leaving you behind